I want a JCORE Body!

This week marks four months since my knee surgery. Has it really been four months already? Sometimes it feels like surgery was so long ago and I feel like I should be able to do all the things that I want to do. Other times, surgery feels like it wasn't so long ago, especially when I tire easily or I can't quite sit cross-legged on the floor. 

I have to admit that it's frustrating when you have the desire to do move and you physically can't, especially when fitness and physical activity is a big piece of who you are and how you cope with life's many stressors. And, having battled body image and disordered eating issues, I'd be lying if I said that body image wasn't a big part of my frustration with the injury and recovery process.

Now, with my physical therapy progressing, I'm able to workout more but I feel like my routine needs a jumpstart. It's been a while since I've really focused on anything from my lower body that I almost don't even know where to start so I was really excited to hear about the JCORE Accelerated Body Transformation system. 

It's a 40-day program created by Jay Cardiello, a celebrity fitness trainer (he's trained 50 Cent!!), wellness expert and author. All you need is a 4x4 space, no weights and 20 minutes a day/4 days a weeks. As a working mom with two young kids, my time (and space here in NYC) is a premium. In order to fit fitness into my life, I need to be able to make the most of the time that I do have to work out. JCORE seems like a good fit for me. 

When I was initially considering the program, I had several questions about the workouts and if they were suitable for me given my injury and rehab. I wasn't expecting Jay to respond to my email personally. He assured me that JCORE was designed to accomodate all levels of fitness and all lifestyles and that the routines are demonstrated at a modified and intense pace so you can work at your own pace. Plus, he has had 13 major surgeries - 6 of them knee surgeries - and understood my concerns which provided an enormous level of comfort.

I started the program yesterday with the Fit Test - basically a test to see how many reps you can complete of 10 different moves. Sunday's test will serve as my baseline and I will repeat this test four more times over the course of the 40 days to track my improvement. Let me tell you, while the whole test took about 15 minutes, it was HARD! Seemingly simple moves challenged my body in ways I wasn't expecting. By the end, I was sweating and breathing hard. I can't wait to see what the rest of the program has in store. 

I missed out on last week's Weekly Chase but I am returning this week. A couple of weeks ago, my goal was to focus on getting more sleep. I was doing well with that one...until I started reading Divergent and then Insurgent (Book 2 in the series). Now that I'm done with both books and since Book 3 doesn't come out until May, I should be able to sleep again.

My other goal for the week is to complete week 1 of JCORE and to improve my eating habits. JCORE includes suggested meal plans. I've never been great at strictly following any diet plan so I know that there will be some flexibility to make this work for me. At the same time, I know that diet and nutrition are a key part of this if I want to achieve the results I want to see. 

How was your weekend? What do you have on tap for the week? Have you heard of JCORE? 

As a Fitfluential Ambassador, I received the complete JCORE Accelerated Body Transformation System to review and received no other compensation. All thoughts and opinions expressed are my own.

Defining "What's Beautiful"

Back in the beginning of May, I decided to enter Under Armour Women's What's Beautiful Competition - a competition to redefine the female athlete and find new faces to represent Under Armour Women. I was really unsure about entering, mainly because it required that I step firmly outside of my comfort zone and challenge myself. Frankly, I was scared and intimidated by all the other  incredible female athletes out there. 

In the end, I completed all 19 challenges and then some. I focused on my physical therapy and rehab, I rock climbed and tried stand-up paddleboard, I designed some gear for Under Armour, and I jump roped.

No, I wasn't chosen as one of the 10 finalists, but by the end of it, I really didn't care. The competition had become something more for me. You see, I tend to be more of an introvert than an extrovert. I don't like broadcasting my achievements. I'm not the loudest one in the room shouting to be heard. For me, sharing my story was my biggest accomplishment. For one of the challenges, we had to write a letter from our "future self" to our "current self." My note is below and I think it sums up what this experience has meant to me. 

More than anything, I have been so grateful for all of your support over the weeks - your comments, tweets and messages (and pictures and videos that I roped my family into sending me). Thank you so much. It truly meant the world to have your support and to hear that my story resonated with some of you. It reinforced for me the collective power that our individual stories can have to inspire, to change the conversation, to create laughter, and to connect with others - that's what's beautiful.

Dare you to rock climb

I've never gone rock climbing before. Several members of my family love rock climbing but not me. I think that it has a little something to do with my fear of heights. So when I asked my Facebook friends to challenge me to complete a physical test as part of the Under Armour Women What's Beautiful competition, the last thing I was expecting was for something to dare me to go rock climbing. But someone did. Thanks Ben.

Nothing like a good challenge to get you to face your fears. Luckily, there's a pretty great rock climbing gym near my apartment - Brooklyn Boulders. I knew that it was NYC's only fully dedicated rock climbing gym but I wasn't sure what to expect. The place is massive. It has 22,000 square feet of climbable terrain for all levels. 

I actually went bouldering which is climbing done on short walls with no ropes or belay. There are various paths up the wall which are marked by colored tape and numbers. The numbers indicate the level of the path and you're supposed to only use the foot/hand holds that are marked the same color tape. So if I'm climbing the pink path, I can only use the foot and hand holds marked with the pink tape.

Don't mind the little kids scampering up the wall next to me.

Let me tell you, it was kind of scary hanging off the wall with nothing securing you, especially when you have a bad knee. You will fall if you slip or lose your grip or just get tired.

But I had a lot of fun and my heart was racing. My forearms are SORE and it was hard work, especially since I finished an hour and a half physical therapy session right beforehand. OK, that might not have been the smartest move.

Have you ever been rock climbing or bouldering? Are you afraid of heights too? Wanna go climbing with me sometime?

Fitness Daydreams

I admit. I've been daydreaming again. I think for two reasons. First, I'm ridiculously swamped with work and really would rather do anything except analyze metrics or write/edit documents. Second, I reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally want to run-surf-spin-workout-doanything and just MOVE!! Sorry about that. 

While I was all happy and hopeful a month ago about how my knee was recovering, my doctor seems to have other plans for me. While my physical and therapist and I were getting ready for me to try running at 8-weeks post-surgery, my doctor wants me to hold off until 5 months post-surgery. 5 MONTHS = END OF AUGUST!! 

I know that this is probably the smartest thing for me to do, especially since my surgery was a revision of a previous reconstruction which means that it often takes longer to heal and regain strength and function. But it doesn't necessarily mean that I like the idea.

Yes, I'm annoyed but I'm trying not to think about it (so much). I'm trying to focus on other things that I can do to be active (which I haven't been so successful at lately - see Reason 1 above). That leaves daydreaming. While I've never had a bucket list before, I started creating a Fitness Bucket List pinboard on Pinterest. At first, I had a hard time coming up with things that I wanted to do, aside from getting barreled on a wave and running a sub-2 hour half marathon. 

But then I started thinking a little harder. There are so many things that I still want to be able to experience. Yes, I want to conquer side crane pose and handstands in yoga. Yes, I want to try stand-up paddleboarding, Crossfit and heli-skiing. I even started imagining things like completing yoga teacher training and meeting and watching...er...swimming with Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte. (It's a bucket list people!)

It's been a great distraction but most importantly, it's reminded me to dream. I realize that it's going to be a long road back, longer than I bargained for. But, I also know that there's a lot left that I want to conquer. I'm not ready to pack up my gym clothes just yet.

Do you have a fitness bucket list? What are some of the things that you dream of doing but haven't gotten around to yet? If you have a fitness bucket list pinboard on Pinterest, please link it up below! I'd love to see it. And come check out the rest of my fitness bucket list!

Injury Update - Progress!

One of the challenges was to post a photo after completing a mile run. Well, since I can't run, I choose to walk a mile on the treadmill.

A week or so ago, I mentioned that I entered Under Armour Women's What's Beautiful Competition and I realized that I haven't given you all an update since then! It's almost the end of Week 3 of the 9 week competition and I've completed 8 of the 19 challenges. Of course, it's not just about completing the challenges as quickly as you can. It's about going above and beyond what Under Armour has asked of you and proving to them that you want it more than anyone else and that you're a leader.

The challenges have been pretty fun. Some of them have and/or will require some creativity on my part since I haven't been cleared for all activities yet. For example, today I decided to tackle the "Back to School" challenge where you had to post a video of yourself jumping rope. I went downstairs to the gym, grabbed the jump rope and started going on my one good leg. I managed 100 and my left calf was burning. I later learned that my video made the top news feed on the What's Beautiful site where they highlight some of the top stories that have been posted. I was so stoked!

On my page on the What's Beautiful site, I've posted a couple of vlogs to provide a quick update on where I am in my rehab and how things are going. I wanted to share it here with you too!

All in all, after a setback and bit of frustration last week, things are much better now. Physical therapy is starting to be fun. As you see in the video, I'm starting to do more dynamic moves and to prepare my body to start running again. The best part is that I've been doing a lot of balance exercises using a balance board, Bosu and a Fitter (kind of like an unstable slide board) - I kind of feel like a kid during recess! Actually, what I like most about it is that a lot of the movements mimic surfing and skiing. So, not only am I rehabbing my knee but I'm also getting some dryland surf training in. Score!

Lastly, most of you know that I'm a Fitfluential Ambassador. Fitfluential in an incredible community of fitness fanatics that I'm proud to be a part of. The support and encouragement that I've received from this community in the month since I've joined has been unreal. No way would I have signed up for this Under Armour competition if I didn't have my fellow Fitfluential family encouraging me. Not only that, but I was able to attend the FITNESS Magazine event last week and there are many potential opportunities in the future.

If you are a blogger, you should apply to be part of the network. Even if you're not a blogger but a fitness enthusiast, you can apply to be part of the network too. Do it!

Under Armour Women - What's Beautiful

Recently, Under Armour Women launched What's Beautiful - a competition to redefine the female athlete and, in the process, find new faces to represent Under Armour Women. When I first saw this competition, I loved it and the premise behind it. Declare a goal, prove how badly you want it and show how it's done by completing 19 challenges. Along the way, rework the traditional conceptions of beauty.

I hemmed and hawed about entering the competition mainly because I wasn't sure what concrete goal I could declare for myself given my knee. Honestly, I don't know where I will be in my recovery 2 months from now. I want to be smart about healing. I don't want to be irresponsible and risk further injury.

But the main reason that I hesitated was that it scares the shit out of me to put so much of myself personally out there as part of this competition and potentially risk failing. What if all the challenges are physical and I can't complete them? What if I just look silly in the process?

As I was thinking about this, my husband reminded me that I said I was going to stop making excuses and that I'll never get anything if I don't try. With that, I shot a video and entered the competition. In my mind, I've already accomplished a huge goal just by stepping way out of my comfort zone and throwing my hat into the ring.

Over the course of the next 8 weeks, I'll be completing 19 Under Armour Challenges to demonstrate that I have what it takes to crush my goal. The first challenge was to shoot a video of yourself announcing your goal to the world. What is my goal? Take a look at the video that I created! (PS: This is my first attempt at a vlog so please be kind!!)

You can follow the competition and check out my page here. Over the next few weeks, I may ask for your votes or comments and I would be so forever grateful for your support. On On June 26th, 10 finalists will be announced. Three women will ultimately be declared the new faces of Under Armour, two will be selected by Under Armour and one will be chosen by public vote.

For all the women out there, I encourage you to enter too! If you do enter or already have entered, please leave me a comment so that I can follow you!

Adieu Knee Brace

I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor last Friday, roughly one month after knee surgery. He checked my range of motion and made sure that my new ACL had settled in and taken hold. He asked me to walk down the hall without my brace or crutches.

I had been practicing for this moment. I had been walking around with one or no crutches most of the week, getting used to the feeling of putting more weight on my right leg. As I hobbled down the hall, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. But he called after me and said, "Stop limping." I scrunched up my face and started walking normally.

"You're still limping."

"Crap."

Despite my failure to not limp, my doctor did give me the good news that I could lose my knee brace. Hooray! I was more than ready to be done with my brace. After a month, it felt like a guest who had overstayed their welcome.

Don't get me wrong. My knee brace has some great qualities that I've come to appreciate:

1. Since it's a locked straight-leg brace, it has forced me to kick my feet up and relax which I don't do nearly enough.

2. I've always wanted to accessorize more.

3. It has forced me to work on my pistol squat form - right leg straight, squat down on the left.

4. It has provided an endless source of entertainment for my kids. "Mommy! You have a robot leg!!!!"

5. Most importantly, it has kept my knee safe.

Adieu knee brace. May we never cross paths again.

Scenes From My Weekend - Williamsburg

Waves in the East River!

Setting up for Smorgasburg

Saturday was a gorgeous day in New York City, perfect for spending quality time outside. We don't often get a chance to visit Williamsburg so that's where we decided to take the boys in the morning. Plus, it meant that we could visit Smorgasburg, an open-air food market that brings together some of the best local food producers. It's full of yummy deliciousness - baked goods, cheese, sweets and a whole lot of prepared food to eat on the spot like pulled pork sandwiches, pizza, pupusas, lobster rolls and Japanese tacos. It also meant that I could restock on Grady's Cold Brew which I have quickly become addicted to.

The boys got a chance to play on the waterfront and throw rocks and sand into the East River. They had fun spotting the Empire State Building and naming the different bridges that we could see. But, they were also anxious to get home because they were expecting a special visitor - Grandma! My mom is in town for the week to help me with the boys while Ed is out of town for work. Thank goodness for family.

It's officially one month since my knee surgery and I finished my second week of physical therapy last week. It doesn't hurt as much when I get on the bike and it actually feels good. I've started using the Pilates reformer and doing step-ups to build strength. On Friday, I could bend my knee 130 degrees.

I definitely felt a change this past weekend. I feel like I gained a few degrees more in my range of motion. I can sit in a chair with my knees comfortable bent and can almost extend my leg fully straight. I walked around for about two hours on Saturday without crutches. While I was tired towards the end, it felt great to MOVE.

Supposed to be Race Day

Today was supposed to be race day. Today I was supposed to run the MORE Magazine/Fitness Magazine Half Marathon in Central Park. But, we all know how that panned out. 

However, I did decide to go to the race expo on Saturday. It was going to be an amazing day and we had planned on spending the morning in the city with boys anyways. We made a quick stop at the expo so that I could pick up my goody bag. Call me cheap but I paid $85 to register for the race and they wouldn't allow me to defer until next year even though I needed to have surgery so yes, I wanted my race T-shirt.

The energy and excitement at the expo was palpable. It made me a little sad that I wouldn't be toeing the line with all the other runners on Sunday but I've made peace with my situation. One of the highlights of the expo was that I got to meet Michele aka NYC Running Mama who was helping out at the Sparkly Soul booth. I've been following Michele's blog for a while and she's one of the most inspirational and supportive runners and mothers out there.

The boys had a fun at the expo too, mostly because they got to take home thunder sticks. Yes, I do regret the decision to let them bring those home. Jasper, in particular, was very curious about all the activity at the expo - the booths, the transactions and the race registration pick-up. Lately, he's been playing "store" a lot so this got his imagination churning. As soon as we got home, he started setting up a the women's half marathon store. He posted signs all over the house directing you to the goody bag pick-up area. He even made himself a "staff" badge so he was all official. I loved it.

I will admit that there was a part of me that was glad I wasn't running two laps in Central Park in today's warm and humid conditions which might not have led to the race result I was hoping for. But next year, I really hope to be healthy enough to run the More/Fitness Half. I mean, not just run but race.

Humble Pie

Slow walk home

Recovery is a humbling process. Two weeks after surgery, I was finally cleared to start physical therapy on Monday. Up until this point, I have been hobbling around on crutches with my leg confined in a straight-leg knee brace. Each day, I gently tried to nudge a little more flexibility back into my knee by hanging my leg off the side of the bed and trying to bend it. Ouch. I could bend it maybe 30 degrees. Needless to say, I was ready to start rebuilding strength and regaining mobility in my leg.

The crazy thing about living in New York City is that you don't realize how hard it is to get around when you can't walk on your own two feet. I had to call a car service to drive me 8 blocks to physical therapy. 

During my first session, my therapist took some baseline measurements to see how far I could bend my knee, the goal being to have my heel touch my butt when I'm lying on my back. On my first try, I was able to bend it a whopping 80 degrees. My knee felt so taut. I was afraid my leg was either going to snap or slingshot out and kick my therapist in the face. That would have been a great first impression. Afterwards, she taught me three basic exercises. 

At the start of my second session on Wednesday, my therapist told me to hop on the bike. I looked at her in disbelief. Excuse me? Was she joking? Nope. I hobbled over and managed to get on the bike. I could move my leg back and forth along the bottom path of the pedal stroke, basically from 12 o'clock to 9 o'clock (when you look at the spoke of the pedal). The last quadrant seemed completely out of reach. But each time, I tried to stretch my leg a little more. After about 10 minutes, I finally got my leg all the way around. Whoa. Again, I thought that something was going to snap. I did my exercises and learned a couple of new ones. By the end of my visit, I could bend my leg to 105 degrees! I also walked home since my car service left me behind for running about 10 minutes late. Thanks.

I had my third session on Thursday night. It was by and large the same drill as last time. However, I was able to complete a full revolution on the bike after only 3 minutes and I kept it up for a good 10 minutes. At the end of the session, my range of motion had improved to 125 degrees. 

It feels great to start moving my knee more. But, I'm not going to lie, it HURTS. It's incredibly humbling to see everything - your strength, flexibility, and basic muscle coordination - go to zero. It's humbling to have to relearn how to walk. I know that it's going to be a long road to get back to where I was previously.

I also know that I'm making progress. Going from 80 degrees to 125 degrees is huge! I'm also walking without crutches (for the most part). I'm most excited about this. Jasper gets worried when he sees me walking without my crutches and yells, "MOMMY!! You're not supposed to be doing that." Oh yes I am.

Post-Op

Manhattan - 6:30am from the N train over the Manhattan Bridge

It is 5:30am on Monday and my alarm is ringing. I really really do not want to wake up. I stayed up way too late the night before paying bills and trying to tie up some loose ends. I pull myself out of bed and try to get dressed as quietly as possible. 5:30am is a dangerous time in our house. It's just late enough that if the boys wake up, there's a good chance that they won't go back to sleep. But, it's too early for them to be awake for the day without them turning into a cranky mess. I leave the house and get on the subway to make the trip into Manhattan and to Roosevelt Hospital.

I arrive at 7am as instructed. When my name is called, I walk to the Nurse's Station in the pre-op and recovery area and sit down with Robin to fill out a mountain of paperwork. As other patients move on to the next phase of the process, I wait as Robin transcribes my gazillion allergies onto at least five different forms and then into the computer system. There's got to be a more efficient way.

Finally, I change into a lavender paper gown. It's actually a bit thicker and more substantial than the typical hospital gown which I'm thankful for because it's chilly in the hospital. I am escorted to the next area where I meet the Anesthesiologist. My doctor arrives and runs through the procedure with me and what to expect when I wake up. I sign more consent and release forms.

I'm wheeled in the gurney outside of the OR. I jump off and walk to the operating table and lie down. I place my arms out to the side while they attach electrodes and monitors to me. The Anesthesiologist says, "I'm just going to give you something to start relaxing you..."

Next thing I know, I'm waking up after surgery. I hear the nurses and doctors talking and my eyes float open and then close. When I open my eyes next, I'm in the recovery room and Ed's sitting next to me. My knee is wrapped in a straight-leg brace. After an hour or two, I'm cleared to go home.

The surgery went well. I have a reconstructed ACL in my right knee. I also had a pretty big tear in my meniscus so they repaired that as well. Otherwise, my doctor said that the rest of my knee joint look great. Phew.

Since coming home, I've been struggling to find a comfortable position. I really really just want to bend my knee. Just once? While I'm allowed to take the brace off while I'm awake and in bed, my leg just feels ridiculously hyperextended or something. Since I can't move my knee, my right hip is sore and stiff. The pain is OK - a general, dull throbbing pain that is mostly manageable but sometimes it really hurts.

I will be in a brace for 4 weeks and should be able to start physical therapy next week. Now, it's all about recovery. I know that it's going to be a long and slow process. I know that it's going to hurt. I'm not too excited about that last part but know that in the long run, this was the right decision for me. I'm also trying to remind myself that this is recovery and that I need to take it easy and to ask for help which isn't the easiest thing for me to do.

Bye Bye ACL. It's been nice knowing you.

Well ACL #2, we've had a good 15 year run together. You stepped in when ACL #1 gave way on the ski slopes in the Alps. You restored me to full mobility and activity within a few short months and I felt as good as new. We've completed an Olympic distance triathlon and run three marathons together, two half marathons and countless shorter races as well as chased after two little boys. You stuck by me as I learned to cross-country and telemark ski and to surf.

But, now it's come time to part ways. Today, you will be replaced by ACL #3. I can only hope that it will be as good to me as you have been. To be fair, I actually hope that it is better than you because I really don't want to have to go through this again. I'm not sure I could handle a 4th ACL in my life. So, if you get a chance in the OR, can you please just have a little chat with ACL #3? I'd appreciate it.

Also, to remember today and one of the main reasons why I am having surgery, I'm linking up one of my favorite posts of all time - riding my first wave on a surfboard - to celebrate Alison's and Ado's 1st Blogoversary Blog Bash! Come check it out and you can join in too!

Preparing for Surgery

Happy feet at the gym this morning. Loving my bright pink Sauconys!!

Surgery is scheduled for Monday - four days away. In some ways, I wish that the next four days will fly by but at the same time, I wish that they will pass by slow as molasses. I want the days to move quickly because I want to get this thing over and done with and I want to start moving on the road to recovery. I want the days to be drawn out because I know that recovery will be a long and slow process and I want to try to pack in as much as I can between now and then - seeing friends, taking walks, playing with the kiddos, and working out. I'm kind of petrified of the thought of being limited in my mobility.

Over the past two weeks, I've been focusing on staying active and strengthening my legs. I figure that the stronger my legs are going into surgery, the faster recovery will be, right? I've been working out 4-5 times a week. I've been able to hit my favorite spin class a few times, focusing on higher resistance vs. higher RPM, and hop on the elliptical machine without aggravating my knee. As for legs, I've been doing a variety of leg exercises, many I learned from my little project with FITNESS Magazine, but also combining other moves that I know and that I love such as Bulgarian Split Squats on a ball (probably one of my all-time favorites), Goblet Squats, Single-Leg Deadlifts, Bridges, Hamstring Curls, Leg Lifts, and Single-Leg Squats on a step. I've been focusing on strengthening the muscle on the front inside of my thigh to improve the stabilization of my knee. At least that's what I remember from physical therapy the last time around.

The best part of my week so far was that I made it to TRX on Monday and it felt great. I love TRX because it forces you to be super aware of your body. It force you to recruit a lot of different muscles to perform the moves, especially your core. While you can fake it to a certain extent when you lift weights at the gym, you can't when you do TRX. My instructor knew of my injury but I was actually surprised that I was able to do the entire workout without my knee feeling funny. Even the pistol squats and curtsy squats.

I was talking to my son Jasper the other day about my surgery and the fact that Mommy will be on the couch a lot afterwards. He was most concerned about the crutches and wanted to know every last detail - how you use them and if I'd have to use them all the time, even when I sleep at night. While I reassured him that no, I don't have to sleep with my crutches, he asked what would happen if I was in bed and I had to get up but couldn't reach my crutches. I told him that I would call him or Daddy. "What if we don't hear you Mommy??" he asked. "Well, then I'll just have to push Daddy out of bed." I have never heard him laugh louder or longer.

No Turning Back - Injury Update

Last week, I went to see my doctor again. It had been four weeks since I injured my knee and things were not improving. I take that back. I could walk without limping so that was an improvement, but my knee still wasn't normal. It was still wonky and unstable if I changed direction too quickly. You know those vitamin bottles that have a child-proof top and clicks when you turn it? Yeah, that's how my knee feels.

When I walked into my doctor's office, he turned to me and said, "You know that this means that we're talking surgery, right?" I let out a big sigh and nodded in agreement. At first, I thought that he meant he was just going to scope my knee to clean up my meniscus and scar tissue. Wishful thinking. He was going to do a revision of the ACL reconstruction that I had about 15 years ago. Apparently, while my ACL was still in tact (hence zero swelling after I injured it), it had become too loose and wasn't doing its job anymore. So, he was going to snip my ACL and replace it with a new one.

Over the past week, I have been in denial about the whole thing. While I knew that there was a good possibility that I would need to have surgery again, I didn't think that it would be another reconstruction, complete with its attendant recovery period. After my first knee surgery, I was not allowed to put any weight on my knee for 3 weeks. It was scary and frustrating to watch all the muscles in my right leg shrink and atrophy. Thankfully, physical therapy wasn't too bad and I regained my range of motion fairly quickly but the journey back to full strength and activity levels took some time.

But I'm kind of scared this time. I'm not 21 this time. I'm in my mid-30s and I know that recovery is going to be different. I know that I'm still young and active, but things just move slower these days. Muscle soreness lingers a day or so longer than it used to and a few days off from working out feels like a month. I'm worried about gaining weight and backsliding in my fitness. I'm frustrated because this wasn't supposed to happen again, especially because I had just returned to running and my legs felt stronger than ever. I also have two young active boys who may not completely understand why Mommy can't move around much. But if I want to keep doing these things, surgery makes the most sense for me.

After we decided on the surgery, I asked my doctor to tell me exactly what to expect in terms of rehab and recovery. I will be in a brace for two weeks. While I can put weight on my leg (hooray for the small things!), I will likely be hanging out at home and not doing much of anything. Then, it will be a 4-6 month recovery period and 9-12 months before I can train for anything seriously. 9 to 12 months. Those words echoed in my head and all I could managed to say was, "DUDE! That's a long time!"

I'm scheduled for surgery on March 26. I have roughly a week and a half to be as active as I can, strengthen my legs and have fun.

{This post is linked up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say}

Learning to Live in Limbo

Tunnel Vision

It's been just about a week since I hurt my knee. I'm finally starting to walk without a limp (sort of) but I can't really do much. Just walking around the neighborhood a few blocks leaves my knee throbbing when I get home. Single-plane movement seems to be OK i.e. I can bend my knee back and forth without pain, but side to side movement and stabilization, not so much. Sometimes it feels like my bones are rubbing against each other if I move too fast.

I went to see my Orthopaedist last week. It helps when he's a friend of your sister and she can call and leave him a message saying, "Please call my sister back so she will stop calling me and freaking out." He examined my knee and checked my recent MRI. His verdict was no verdict. In his words, "Christine, I don't know what to do about you." My ACL is in tact - not perfect but in tact.. My knee isn't swollen and hasn't swelled since I injured it (swelling is usually the first big sign that there's some sort of trauma going on inside). Could he operate on my ACL? Sure but he isn't confident that it would make things better and would I really want to spend the next year trying to recover and figure that out? Not really. Is it my meniscus? Probably.

We decided that I would rest, wait and see. If I was still limping in 2-3 weeks, then we would revisit the idea of surgery. So, here I am, in limbo-land, waiting and hoping that my knee will return to its normal self just as mysteriously as I seem to have injured myself.

Deep down, I was really hoping for a concrete answer from my doctor. I don't like ambiguity very much. If I had a concrete answer, then I could come up with a plan. I like plans. I was bummed that I didn't have a plan. As I made my way home, I decided to stop for some ramen - serious comfort food for me - and figure things out.

It seems like there are a lot of people out there who are sick or injured. Friends and fellow bloggers who are frustrated because they can't run or because they are stuck in bed with the flu.  It's so easy for me to say to them - listen to your body, respect your body, just rest - rest is important to keep your body healthy and strong. But when it comes to me? Can't take my own advice.

When it comes down to it, when you yourself are injured, it just plain sucks. You might be hating your running schedule or normal fitness regime but as soon as you can't do something, all you want it to go out on that run or hit that spin class or lift some weights or get in the water and surf. Grass is always greener…

So I'm trying to figure out how to keep myself sane over the next couple of weeks until I have some more answers. I admit, that I've been moping around the house a bit, complaining about the pain, the inconvenience, the poor timing. I'm pretty sure my husband would like me to stop. I read a great post on The Daily Love that gave me a kick in the pants. Specifically, this part:

Sometimes we have crisis in our lives – but the MEANING we GIVE the crisis is everything. Is this a breakdown or a breakthrough? Shit happens, but it’s what you do about it that matters...This means that we have the power to choose to respond in an empowered way to our circumstances, rather than just look for reasons why we are wrong, why we are not good enough or why we should quit. 

So here's my plan for surviving limbo-land:

1. Rest: As much as I want to run, spin, go to my regular TRX class, I'm not going to. I'm going to give my body the time to heal. This is probably my body's way of telling me to knock it off and stop running it into the ground. Fine. I'm listening.a

2. Strength Training - Upper Body and Core: OK, I just said I will rest and really I will but I also know that for my own sanity and well-being, I would like to do some activity. Since I can't really walk, bike or use the elliptical, I'm going to focus on strengthening my upper body and core. I might try to slip in some lower body work if I can tolerate it...maybe.

3. Swim: I said that I wanted to work on my swimming, right? Now I have the chance without being distracted by all that silly running. I promise to take it slow, especially pushing off the wall on my turns. I'll focus on pulling and not strain my leg again kicking.

4. Stretch/Foam Roll: I think that I have this fear that if I stop being active for any period of time, my muscles and ligaments will freeze into place. To prevent this from happening, I will continue to stretch and use my foam roller. 

5. Stop Eating Like I'm Still Training for a Half Marathon: Plain and simple, I can't keep eating the way that I have been given the reduction in my activity level. Simple equation right? Calories in > calories expended = new pants. So, bye bye pie and ice cream and scones and "recovery" meals.

6. Don't Stress: Really, I will not stress about this. At least, I promise to try.

So, that's the plan. Wait and see and hope for the best for running the More Magazine/Fitness Magazine Half Marathon in April. 

Here are some great recent posts related to injury and recovery from Whitney at Live, Run, Love, Yoga on the cumulative injury cycle and marathon training when sick and Brigid from Live, Breathe, Huzzah. They offer some great perspective.

Your Turn!

Have you ever been sidelined by injury? How do you manage illness and injury during training or in life in general? Do you need to have a plan or are you OK with limbo-land? How do you typically respond to crises or an unexpected turn of events in your life?

Set Backs

It started off as a beautiful morning at the track...

I've always considered myself a 10-minute miler. That seems to be the pace that I've consistently run forever so when I set off on this half marathon adventure, I set a somewhat ambitious goal for myself - a 2-hour half marathon. Preferably sub-2 hours but I will take 2 hours on the dot. As I've been running over the past month, I've felt really strong. I've been running closer to a 9-minute mile pace pretty consistently and comfortably which has surprised me. At the same time, it has given me confidence that my goal wasn't totally out of reach and that I am capable of more than I often give myself credit for.

This week officially marks the start of my half marathon training. I can honestly say that I have been so excited to start training - challenging myself physically and mentally and really seeing where I am with my running. Enter today's speed work at the track. It was a fairly easy workout - running 4 times around the track (400 meters) with a warm-up and cool-down easy jog. My goal was to run each lap around 2-minutes.

I don't think that I've ever really done speed work at the track before. Maybe in high school? I wasn't sure how hard to run each repeat or how to pace myself. I went out too fast on my first 400 but adjusted my pace for the next two but still ran them hard. I was breathing hard and my chest burned a little. I knew that if I wanted to run faster, i would have to run my workouts as they were intended. Speed workouts = run fast.

On my last 400, about a quarter of the way into it, I felt my right knee pop or click. The only way that I can describe it is that it felt like I cracked my knee like how it feels when you crack your fingers. I took a few more steps but had to stop immediately. I couldn't put any weight on my right leg. I started limping my way across the field and called my husband to pick me up.

As I sat there waiting for him, a huge amount of frustration and anger swelled up in me (and is still sitting in the pit of my stomach) and tears were building up behind my eyes. I couldn't believe that I was going to start crying about this. I was being smart about my training, building my mileage slowly and strengthening my legs and core along the way. But it's the same knee that I had repaired about 14 years ago (ACL and medial meniscus tear) and I know my knee well enough to know that it doesn't feel right. Aside from not being able to bear weight, my side-to-side stabilization feels off. My head immediately filled with worst case scenarios - that I re-tore something and that I will have to have surgery or my knee scoped which will mean that I can't run and I can't train and that I will have to pull out of the half marathon in April. And what would it mean for surfing down the line? I also might have sent off some freak-out texts to my sister (an Orthopaedist) and my Orthopaedist for re-assurance.

I know that it's not the end of the world. There are many bigger problems and issues that I/family/friends could be facing. But I think that it's the fact that since I've rediscovered running, I've felt really happy and strong and confident and purposeful. Weird and silly, I know. I don't know why running necessarily gave me that but now that I'm facing the possibility that I might not be able to run (or do anything active for a while), I'm freaking out. I'm scared of losing that happy, strong, confident, purposeful feeling. My workouts and runs are a big part of who I am and what I do. I don't feel complete without them. It's my time to focus on making myself healthy and strong and provides much needed head space during my day.

I'm trying really really hard to think positively since this happened all of an hour or two ago. After all, it may very well just be a small set back. And set backs are good sometimes, right? They help us refocus and reprioritize and re-energize. I'm icing my knee, taking some anti-inflamatories, elevating it and going to wait to see how it feels.

BTW - I was rocking my 400 repeats:  1.33.85, 1.39.8, and 1.40.51.

How do you deal with set-backs? Injuries? I'd love to hear your thoughts, advice and reassurance!